No words

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    No words can express the pain in my heart or the amount of tears I have cried. I opened this page three hours ago and just sat here staring. I could not bring myself to write about my feelings, but somehow I have convinced myself to do so, for the time being. The past 3 days have honestly been some of the worst times of my life and for me to say that it means a lot.

    On Saturday morning I was taking my usual route to work however, when i approached 103rd and Northern the road was blocked and there were signs saying emergency scene. I could barely see ahead enough to tell something had happened on 107th and Northern which is right by my parents house. I tried to call my dad but had no success. I called the house phone and my mom answered, i told her i was calling to be sure my brothers and everyone was okay since I couldn't get close enough to the scene to be sure it wasn't any of their cars. She told me that they were in bed sleeping and everyone was accounted for. My dad returned my call a little while after asking if i had seen the accident and when I told him no he told me about how bad it was. We discussed how sad that was and ended our conversation shortly after. About two hours later my phone rings again and its my dad, I answered the phone and he doesn't even bother saying hello, he just asks if i had talked to my mom. I told him no and he proceeded to tell me that the accident was Ryan Stalker and his brother. My heart immediately stopped and no part of me, no matter how hard i tried, could muster up the words to confirm what i just heard. My dad had to gain my attention again and as soon as he asked if i heard what he said the tears just started uncontrollably running down my face. For one of the few times in my life i couldn't find my words. It's like my entire being just froze and when i finally came back to it i shattered. I immediately rushed to find my brothers, having not only an emotional but physical breakdown. I walked through the door expecting and hoping this to be some sort of sick joke. I quickly realized just how wrong I was. My brother sitting at the table, eyes swollen and tears flowing. Just when I thought my heart couldn't hurt anymore it shattered into a million more pieces. When I am typically the one with all of the words to help I find my tongue to be broken. I hugged my brother hoping to help but as soon as we embraced one another it was like we both wept the hardest we ever had. Knowing that someone else felt your pain, hurt and sorrow and there was nothing either of you could do for one another has been one of the worst realizations of my entire life. Ryan was not only a friend for over a decade but family. He grew up with both of my brothers and watched my son grow from the day he was born. He had a presence that was quiet but welcoming. He could blend in with any crowd but had such an amazing sense of humor that it was known he was around.

    Now, here we are, in a blink of an eye and he is no longer with us. So much pain is felt, it is almost unbearable. The night following the accident we held a candle light vigil at the scene. Walking up to that spot was one of the hardest things i have ever done. Having to come to terms with the fact that all of this was real. Seeing broken and burned cd's, glasses, a cell phone. I quickly realized that I could no longer pray that it weren't real. I had the prof of the incident right in front of my eyes. The ashes from the vehicles right by my feet and shattered glass everywhere I turned. Again, tears. I soon learned that this was my body's way of releasing what little pain I could. For those minutes, i felt like the world stopped spinning and i had been there for weeks. As people started showing up and I watched their eyes survey the surrounding and the wave of pain come across their faces i could hear the sound of their hearts breaking. No one could seem to muster up the words to speak. At least one hundred people showed up to show their support to one another and let it be known that everyone was suffering. A community of people that have been raised together reunited in one of the most awful events possible. A candle light vigil is never an easy thing. People stand together, everyone full of pain but no one able to speak about it. The pain too fresh in every one's mind to even begin to think of how to heal. Everyone standing around not knowing what to do, seconds feel like years and the pain swells. As the time passed and people started leaving we realized it was now our turns to leave the scene. It took forever for anyone to turn and walk. We would take short shuffles to our car and quickly be at another stand still. Once we actually made the decision that we had to go it was like being stabbed with a knife where my heart used to be. Each step feeling heavier and heavier. Legs weak, heart hurting. A million times worse then walking up to the scene. Moving away

      Earlier throughout the day i had listened to every one's tongue tied remarks. Things such as "he wouldn't want you to mourn" or "at least he was taken quick and not lying in a hospital bed." I'm not sure if i am the only one but these things infuriate me. First of all, "he wouldn't want you to mourn" this statement is ridiculous. Of course no one thinks about their death ahead of time and states "when I am gone do not cry" and if they do they cannot honestly expect that from anyone. There is so much hurt when you realize that you will never see a person again. When you realize that the person who was once at your house all the time will never walk thru that door again. You will never be graced with a smile or a smart remark you so often took for granted. So not mourning is not an option. Second, "at least he was taken quick..." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! there is no sense of comfort or soothing in this statement. I cannot help but imagine what their bodies went thru at the time of impact. About what an awful and horrific thing that must have been. Worst of all about the pain and torture they were put thru if God forbid they weren't "taken quickly". Quite frankly i think everyone is full of it. There is no easy way for someone to "go". Standing surrounded by hurt people quickly made me realize that all of the suffering i was going thru was felt by so many.

    I have found myself driving in circles, crying uncontrollably and just being pissed at the world. "Important" conversations carried on are tuned out, fixed gazes on things with no meaning. I cannot come to terms with why bad things would happen to such good people. Being only 19 and full of intelligence and this is the card he was dealt. The fact that we are left here to suffer because someone so close to us is no longer here. The fact that we take life for granted and don't take advantage of the times we have to take two seconds and tell people we care and love them.

     At first I was writing this as a tool to gather my thoughts. As a small hope that i can come to terms with what has happened but in doing so i realized that we all need each other. That we all need to know that there are others going thru the same emotions. Not everyone is on the same level but the stages of grief are there. Times like this should be used to strengthen bonds. We should be sharing our stories of the happy times to help each other try to over come the bad. We should be mending bridges with those that have been broken. We should be extending hands and pieces of our broken hearts to each other in hopes that where one person is missing a piece ours can fill the void a like wise.

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.  ~Author Unknown"






P.s. I am sure that i will have much more to say about this, but as for now i have gotten all i can out of myself for one night.